An Epic Steal

So many of my posts lately have started the same way:  Stumpy the Squirrel is out of control.  Well, this is going to be another one of those posts. 

Stumpy the Squirrel is out of control. 

A couple of months ago I told you that Stumpy had taken to using my windowsill as a breadbox.  Well, if I thought the idea of him encroaching on my turf and leaving slices of Italian bread just out of my reach was bad, I had no idea how bad it could actually get.  You see, it seems he's decided to move on to dessert breads and has now taken to stashing churros on my windowsill.

Like I said, Stumpy the Squirrel is out of control.

But, like previous posts interrupted by that stupid little bunny-like squirrel freak, it is not my intention to write solely about Stumpy today.  No, instead I want to tell you about the time I had to make a major decision.

It was a weekday morning last week and I was following Pa around the house as he got ready for work.  I took my station beside him as he made his breakfast (and happily munched the crunchy cereal and frozen blueberry he gave me).  After a quick snooze as he read the newspaper, I joined Pa again as he made lunch for both him and Ma (and happily munched the turkey cold cuts and pretzels he gave me).  Then, after another quick snooze, I joined Pa in the bedroom as he sat down to put on his socks and shoes.

Now by this time, I had gotten enough naps under my belt that I was beginning to feel the need to cause trouble.  In other words, I had some puppy energy in me and I needed a way to exert it. 

I surveyed the room Pa and I were in and determined that I had a choice. I could a) steal Pa's socks, b) steal his shoe, or c) jump up on the bed and take another nap.  Now, choice c was probably the easiest and most satisfying of my options, but I had already taken a couple of naps and I knew that I could continue napping after everyone went to work.  That left thievery.  So, which to choose?  The socks or the shoes?  The shoes or the socks?  Ultimately, Pa made the decision for me by placing the shoes on the floor so that he could put his socks on.  Let the thievery begin!

But there was one more problem I had to sort through.  Which shoe should I take?  I knew I had to be quick and therefore didn’t have the luxury of carefully choosing the stinkiest of the two.  Suddenly, I had a spectacular idea.  Why not steal both?

Now normally I don’t really have the option of stealing two shoes at once; there just isn't time to work out the logistics of such an epic steal (rearranging the shoes and corralling shoelaces).  Better to easily steal one shoe than lose both due to greed and slowness.  But on this particular day, the two shoes were in the perfect position:  right next to each other and ankle opening side up.  Swiftly and silently, I swept in for the steal.  I grabbed both shoes by the ankle collar and just as quickly beat feet from the room.

I brought my ill-gotten gains into the living room.  I knew that the clock was ticking; I knew that Pa was going to notice that his shoes were missing and despite the fact that both Ma and Sister were in the house, he’d assume that I was the thief (so unfair).  Considering all alternatives and options, I decided that the best thing for me to do was to chew on one of the shoes and hide the other so that when Pa inevitably took away the first, I’d still have the second.  But where to hide the second shoe?

Suddenly, it dawned on me and I went to work on my master plan.  Once the second shoe was hidden, I started happily gnawing on the first.

As expected, Pa made an appearance in the living room a few seconds into my chewing spree and as expected, he took the now slobbery shoe away from me.  Then he looked at me dead in the eye and asked “where’s the other one?”

I gave Pa my most innocent of looks.  “What, me?  Are you suggesting that I stole your other shoe?” my big brown eyes asked.  

Well, either Pa didn't believe my big brown eyes or he noticed that I was rather uncomfortably laying on the other shoe.  Regardless of what tipped him off, he knelt down and pulled the shoe out from under me with a "gimme that."

So that's how I managed to steal two shoes at once.  Obviously, I'm going to have to find a better hiding place next time.