Find the Loophole

Lizard Sans Tail

I've learned a lot over my ten human years on this planet.  I've learned that if you insist long enough and persistently enough, even Pa will let you sleep on the furniture.  I've learned that it's far easier to go through your entire repertoire of tricks rather than listen for the one that's requested of you.  I've learned that every once in a while a perfectly normal looking bush will suddenly sprout pizza slices, that if you jump out of a moving vehicle once you will never live it down, and that you can never trust a creature that is missing its tail (Stumpy) or willing to jettison its tail at will (those annoying lizards).  But all of these important lessons (plus scores of others) pale in comparison to the number one thing that I have learned:  for every rule there is at least one loophole.  And it has been my goal in life to discover each and every one of those loopholes and take full advantage of them.

Below are two examples of my favorite loopholes and how I use them to my advantage.

Example One:
Begging for Food

I'm a big fan of food.  I like all types.  I love my kibble and I love Milkbones.  I love smelly disgusting treats and I love all types of human food from cheese to Cheerios to steak (except lettuce...I just don't get lettuce).  But one of my all-time favorite foods is ice cream and lucky for me, not only does my family have ice cream most evenings, but they always save me a little taste.

But the thing is, I’m not allowed to beg for food. It’s a rule that has been in place since I was a tiny little ball of fur with large gnashing teeth.  First of all, I've been told that it’s impolite to beg. Second, my drooling problem is exaggerated when food is involved.  In fact, my drooling is such a problem that I have been taught the command “go someplace absorbent” (meaning to get off the hardwood floor and go sit on a rug).

Of course, I often ignore the "no begging" rule, but when I'm not blatantly ignoring it, I take full advantage of an obvious loophole which marries my love of food and my love of being comfortable.

You see, each evening I wait patiently for my taste of ice cream by laying on my spot on the living room couch, not one foot away from where Ma is sitting.  To all the world, I am just resting in my spot; curled up into a ball with my head down on the sheet used to keep all the fur, dirt, and drool off the couch.  In reality, however, I am staring intently at Ma’s bowl of ice cream, willing her to drop it, while drooling with gusto into my blanket.

Example Two:
Dig, Dig, Digging

Another big “no, no” in my life is digging.  Sure, I’m allowed to dig in the doggy pool or in a man-made snowdrift, but other than that, the action is seriously frowned upon.  But, like begging, I’ve never completely cut digging out of my life.

I “dig, dig, dig” under the forsythia.  

I “dig, dig, dig” under the cherry tree by the fence. 

I “dig, dig, dig” in the vegetable garden.  

I “dig, dig, dig,” in the flower garden.  

I even “dig, dig, dig” inside the house on the rug.  

But like I said, I’m technically not supposed to dig, so, when I feel like digging, but don’t feel like getting in trouble, I switch over to the loophole:  rolling in the grass.

I love rolling around in the grass.  First, I plow my head into the ground.  Then I slide along on my shoulder--propelled forward by my back legs--for a time.  Next, I drop my back end onto the ground with a thud and start rolling back and forth over and over again in the dirt, dust, and grass.  My recorded record for rolling has been thirteen back and forths, but for me, the record is actually determined by how muddy my nose gets and whether or not I end up with a grass stain on my head.

Me and My Work

But while I’m rolling back and forth, I'm also stretching my legs out, digging my claws into the grass and dirt, and raking my legs back and forth.  This action pulls up large amounts of grass and dirt (which usually gets thrown up into the air when I roll over) yet I cannot be reprimanded for digging because, technically, I’m not (the barren earth, displaced grass, and hole are merely casualties of my enthusiastic rolling).

So, my word of advice, garnered from years of experience is:  look for and take full advantage of the loopholes in life.

Philosophical Me

I’m not allowed on the furniture.  Okay, that’s not entirely true.  I’m allowed to sleep on my sister’s bed provided I am supervised (you lose your mind a few times—shred a few papers, rip a few blankets and BAM! suddenly you’re no longer trustworthy) but that doesn’t really count.  Anyway, I’m always told that animals belong on the floor, but it just doesn’t seem fair.  I mean, statistically, I’m getting the short end of the stick.  The humans have the couch, the dining room chairs, the bed, the lawn chairs, the piano bench and a ton of other comfy places to relax not to mention an unlimited supply of pillows for lumbar support and blankets to keep them roasty-toasty.  Me?  I’ve got the floor.  Yeah, I have three “dog” pillows stashed throughout the house (two tuffets and a big square hand-me-down orthopedic pillow) but let’s be honest here, next to a recliner or queen size mattress, the floor is no comparison.   And what’s worse, my humans are so hypocritical.  If I’m not allowed on their furniture, why are they allowed to sit on my floor?  It just goes to show what a good-natured dog I am; my people can lie on the floor any time they want and I will happily snuggle up next to them and take a nap.  Come on people, a little reciprocation please!

Oops...Overslept.  Busted!

I’ve discovered in my nearly three years of existence that there are loop-holes to every rule.  You just need to be cunning and engage in some philosophical thinking.  Dogs aren’t allowed on the furniture?  Not a problem!  My response is:  If a dog sleeps on the bed, and there’s no one home to witness it, is he truly sleeping on the bed?  My answer:  Nope!  All I have to do is wait for my humans to leave the house, jump the pillow barricade that they line the edge of the bed with in hopes of discouraging me from jumping, settle in, and take a nap (oh, and droll on their pillows if I get the chance!).  So there you go…I get a nice comfortable nap and all I have to do is make sure I wake up and get off the bed before they come home.