Hitch-Hikers, Sail Squirrels, and Flo

As a distinguished (and devilishly handsome) senior, one might assume that my days are filled with meandering walks, long naps in the sun, and hours of screaming “get off my lawn” at the top of my lungs at every passing squirrel, mailman, and figment of my imagination.  Well, my life is anything but structured and boring (though I do spend many an hour screaming “get off my lawn” at all creatures great, small, and imaginary).  Here’s three things that happened to me over the last couple of weeks. 

Hitch-Hikers:

Bumble bees have suddenly taken to landing on my back and hitch-hiking across the yard.  And it wasn’t a one-off thing…it happened twice in two days last week! I’m really at a loss for why this is happening; it’s not like I’ve recently received a bath and smell like that nasty lavender shampoo my family slathers on me—I’m pleasantly stinky thank you very much.

Flo:

Flo is the Golden Retriever who lives down the road who I routinely meet up with during my walks.  She mooches pets from my Pa and I mooch pets from her Pa.  Then we go our separate ways.  Well one day last week, I was hanging out inside the house and all of a sudden I sensed movement on my deck and started barking hysterically.  Turns out, it was Flo—she had wandered onto my deck when her dad stopped by to talk to my dad.  Anyway, Ma opened the door to see what was going on and would you believe it?! Flo just walked right into my house like she owned the place.  Now, Flo is generally cool (you’ve got to appreciate anyone who has trained the mailman to leave a daily delivery of chicken meatballs in your mailbox…not that I’m jealous or anything) but to just invite yourself in to someone else’s house?  That’s a bit much. 

Sail Squirrel:

On our daily walks, Pa and I come across a dead squirrel that has been decomposing on the side of the road for weeks now.  He’s been around for so long that my family has even given him a name, “Cadaver Bob.”  Everyday, I walk up to Cadaver Bob and give him a sniff.  Then I look up at Pa inquisitively.  “You can leave him,” Pa assures me and I’m like “Yeah, I wouldn’t touch that thing with a ten-foot pole. Why hasn’t anyone done anything about the body yet?” 

 

The Benefits of Age

Pretty handsome
for 95

They say age is only a number. That being said, I’m 95 years old, darn it, and with age I think I’ve earned the right to take some liberties. If I want to do something that I would have gotten yelled at when I was younger, then I’m going to do it and if I want to be quirkier than usual, well that’s my prerogative. The way I see it, I’ve earned the right to do what I want the way I want.

So behold, the promises of a 95-year-old man: 

Manners invented by the humans will no longer apply:

• I will circle the dinner table like a shark
• I will raise my snout at the dinner table to see if any dishes are a bit too close to the edge (and try to sneak a taste)
• I will lick Pa’s elbow while he’s eating
  

Patrolling for food and licking an elbow

Food demands will always be met:

• I will expect my dinners to be spiked with a variety of vegetables including broccoli, green beans, sweet potatoes, and carrots
• I will wipe my snout on any soft surface I want after eating
• I will get a big cookie after simply barking at the big cookie box 

Snout wiping after a tasty meal

Exercise routines are based on my schedule and interest level:

• I will decide when walks happen as well as how long they last (if I only want to go to the end of the block then that’s how far I’ll go)
• I will occasionally launch into a full gallop just to scare my humans

Sleeping is done on my terms:

• I will demand that someone hoist my back end up onto the couch for me
• I will demand that someone sleep at least part of the night with me in the living room rather than the whole night in the bedroom
• I will require someone to make sure that all my feet are accounted for and pointing in the right direction when I lay down (and rearrange them if they aren’t)
• I will take up as much of the couch as I want

Waiting for a boost and spreading out

Annoyances will be dealt with swiftly:

• I will reap the benefits of selective hearing loss
• I will get up and walk away in a huff when Sister starts to pluck tufts of loose fur off of me

My time, my hobbies:

• I will physically block doorways without a second thought
• I will bark for 10 minutes straight at imaginary objects
• I will give people the evil eye when they refuse to go to work
• I will rip the stuffing out of any toy I want
• I will steal a broken toy from atop the table while Pa’s watching
• I will rip all wrapping paper and some boxes
• I will bark hysterically at little dogs wearing pink polka-dotted dresses when normally I would ignore them
  

Why aren't you at work?

Restroom etiquette: 

• I will do my business in the backyard on the new sod rather than in my designated business spot

Posing with the new sod