Happy New Year!

2013, here I come!

Happy New Year to all my friends!

My New Year's resolutions for this upcoming year are...

1. ...to spend more time napping in comfortable places.
2. ...to dig more holes (and figure out how to blame said holes on someone else).
3. ...to no longer allow Sister to dress me up in funny looking party hats.

Christmas Roundup

Welcome to this year's Christmas roundup!

I know it sounds odd, but I'm only just starting to recover from all the fun I had on Christmas day.  That's why it has taken me so long to share the stories of my Christmas frivolities with my loyal readers.

Before I begin, I must first admit that I initially thought that this Christmas wasn't going to be a good one for me.  You see, Christmas Eve was a bit of a disaster.  Here's what happened:

Ma and Pa took me to "the spa."  Now, I know that some humans, when they hear the word spa, think of some relaxing place.  Well not me.  When I hear the word, I know that it can only mean one thing...bath time.  So there I was, unceremoniously thrown in a giant bath tub in Woofer Wash and I'm not ashamed to say that I carried on like I was being killed, after all, I worked long and hard on getting myself nice and stinky and I really didn't want all my hard work to literally go down the drain.  Although I was less than helpful during the washing process, I did eventually allow Ma and Pa to scrub me down with shampoo and conditioner (the conditioner gives my coat a silky smooth shine).  I put my paw down, however, when it came to drying.  I did not want to be dried by that noisy cold air blowing dryer.  Of course, my persistence backfired because when I got home I was so cold that I actually started shivering.  Ma and Sister felt bad for me and decided to see if I would tolerate being dried by the hairdryer.  It turns out that I loved it.  Within a couple of minutes I was nice and warm and dry.

Luckily, the holiday took a turn for the better after that.

I spent Christmas morning trying to steal crumpled up pieces of used wrapping paper as Ma, Pa, and Sister opened their presents.  I had a lot of fun and shredded a number of pieces even though Pa kept trying to hold me back with my leash.  I do feel slightly bad for my humans though; they got a lot of clothes and videos, and stuff for the house out east, but very little food and absolutely no plush toys.  Anyway, when they were done it was my turn.  Sister first let me open the present that Rita, Ralphie, and Brandy gave me (a box of cookies!) and showed me what Karin and Mecki got me (more cookies!).  Then Sister pulled from the bag next to her an oddly shaped package wrapped in Golden Retriever wrapping paper.  "Merry Christmas" she said as she handed me the package.  I gave the package a good shake in my mouth and all of a sudden I felt something soft and fluffy inside.  I rummaged around in the paper and pulled out a plush gingerbread man squeaker toy with some kind of crinkly plastic stuffing.  Now let me tell you, I played with that toy until I collapsed exhausted on the floor and took a nap.

I was awoken from my nap by the sound of someone opening the side door.  I jumped up, grabbed my toy, and found Aunt B standing in the kitchen.  Now, I must take a moment to apologize to Aunt B:  sadly I didn't give her a proper welcome when she came in because, well, my nose was distracted by the yummy smelling chocolate cake in her hands and I rose up on my hind legs in an attempt to get a good sniff.

Me and my moose napping.

With Aunt B present, the party could really begin.  Out came the food (potato chips and dip, prime rib, lasagna, cookies, and cake), I begged for pets (which Aunt B happily gave me because I wasn't drooling that much--I was still so tuckered out from the morning that I just didn't have the strength to drool as excessively as I normally do), and a police chase was viewed from the window (well, Sister, Ma and Aunt B saw it...I couldn't because the windows in the dining room are too high).  Then it was present time.  Just before Ma, Pa, Sister and Aunt B sat down to opened their presents, Pa told me that Santa had left me a couple of presents as well.  From the back room Pa brought out a bag of rawhides.  I jumped up and down and wagged my tail in circles.  After polishing off a rawhide, Pa brought out another toy from Santa:  a stuffed floppy moose.  As with my gingerbread man, I chewed on that toy until I fell asleep.

I've been napping (and, according to Sister, snoring loudly) ever since.   And who wouldn't after all that excitement?

A Christmas Song

I thought I'd take this Christmas Eve moment to share with my loyal readers my rendition of the Twelve Days of Christmas.  Feel free to sing, or howl, along!

Merry Christmas!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Santa gave to me:

Twelve lizards running
eleven socks for stealing
ten Meckis jumping
nine beds for sleeping
eight bunnies hopping
seven friends a-digging
six Ralphies leaning
five tennis balls
four toys to gut
three car rides
two belly rubs
and a Kong filled with peanut butter!

Merry Christmas!

Defending Myself

I am a very gentle, good-natured, dog.  I doubt anyone could deny that (and if someone does, don't pay any attention--he or she is obviously a liar).  However, I, like everyone else, do have a breaking point and, when provoked, I will defend myself.  I reached that point yesterday afternoon.

The afternoon started off normal enough.  Sister had just left to return to work after her lunch break and I, having found a nice warm sunny spot upstairs, had just settled down for a nap.  It was then I heard it: a dull thud.  With a sigh, I got up, stretched, and scurried down the stairs to investigate. 

I checked the kitchen--nothing but a loaf of bread on the counter.  I looked in Ma and Pa's room--nothing.  I checked the kitchen again--that loaf of bread looked tasty.  I checked the dining room--no sign of a disturbance.  I went back to the kitchen and tried to judge just how close to the edge of the counter the bread was.  "Wait," I thought, "Santa's watching."  I then sauntered into the living room and, lo and behold, I saw it!

There, by the front door, lay the homemade Christmas wreath Ma and Sister had made a couple of weeks ago; the one wrapped entirely in red yarn and covered in felt flowers (neither of which I was allowed to play with while they were making it).  Beside the wreath lay the suction cup that had previously held it to the door.



The remains of the wreath

I scurried over to the wreath, grabbed it in my mouth, and dragged it to the middle of the living room.  Then I systematically pulled out each straight pin that held each flower and leaf on and left them in a slobbery heap on the floor (I was very careful with the pins--I managed not to pierce my lips).  Next I grabbed the wreath itself and bit down.  Let me tell you, few things are better than Styrofoam...nothing crunches or breaks apart quite like it.  Over the next few minutes I reduced the wreath to a slobbery pile of Styrofoam snow, knotted red yarn, and mangled felt flowers.  Then, I took the suction cup back upstairs to my nice warm sunny spot and gnawed on it until I fell asleep.

I'm sure all of my readers, including Santa, will not fault me for what I did.  After all, the wreath did attack me.

Double Standard

Humans are fickle.  All my four legged friends will understand this statement without any additional explanation.  My two legged friends, on the other hand, might not quite understand what I'm referring to.  Allow me to explain:

Where have you been?

Last night, Ma, Pa, and Sister brought into the house from the backyard the Christmas tree they bought a week ago from an actual Christmas tree farm out east (an outing I was not invited to attend--a picture showing my displeasure upon their return can be seen on the right).  Now, this process isn't new to me; the fact is that this is the fourth time they have brought a Christmas tree into the house since I've lived here.  Still, I continue to find their actions regarding this tradition perplexing.  Why is it that they are allowed to drag a big green tree into the house every December, yet each time I find a particularly tasty tree branch, rock, or bug I have to leave it outside (where I am still not guaranteed the opportunity to reduce it to toothpicks, gnaw on it, or chase it)?  It just seems to be a bit of a double standard which clearly affects me negatively.

Of course, despite my displeasure at this contradiction, I am super excited about having a tree in my house.  So far, I've already checked it for squirrels and birds, scurried under it in an attempt to drink the water from its stand (Sister laughed at me because the tree's bottom branches are so low that I couldn't manage to slide my back end in deep enough to reach the water), and attempted to snap off a lower branch so that I could gnaw on it (if the tree is indoors, then the "no bringing outdoor sticks in" rule doesn't apply, right?). 

But it gets better!  My humans haven't even decorated the tree yet.  Decorations, for those who don't know, bring a whole new level of fun to the situation.  What can be better than ripping apart the little paper bird decorations Sister made and stealing crocheted Santa hats?

'Tis the Season to be Helpful

Eleven more days until Christmas!  That means there are only eleven more days to prove to Santa that I'm a very good boy and deserve a new plush toy (though I wouldn't mind rolling on coal either).  And what's the best way for me to prove that I'm a good boy?  By helping my family with their chores and projects.

On Wednesday, I decided that I was going to spend the day helping Sister.  The first thing we did was decorate the inside of the house.  My contributions to the task were unwrapping the decorations by grabbing and ripping apart their protective tissue paper and spotting Sister while she stood on a chair to decorate the windows (she repeatedly muttered something about me always being underfoot and not respecting personal space--it's statements like those that could put her firmly on Santa's naughty list, but I'm not going to tattle to Santa because that might jeopardize my standing on the good list).  I also provided free decorating advice.  I barked and barked telling her that she shouldn't put that big fluffy Christmas teddy bear so high up on the shelf because I wouldn't be able grab it and play with it and that her stocking was also up too high and needed to be lowered to a more appropriate location (someplace where I could inspect it regularly to make sure its contents were safe).  Ultimately, Sister did not take any of my suggestions.  It goes without saying that I was quite insulted by her decision, but I didn't let it get to me or affect my fun loving and good natured persona because I didn't want to annoy Santa.

Then Sister went to work.  I scurried around the house looking for any pieces of tissue paper I could dispose of (after an appropriate amount of tearing and ripping of course) and I contemplated moving Sister's stocking myself (in an obvious oversight on her part, Sister left some big boxes in front of her stocking which kept me from getting close enough to it grab it).  I called out to Santa, "Hey Santa, I can't find anything else to help out with so if it's alright by you (and I know you're busy so only answer me if you object), I'm going to take a little nap until I think of something else to do."  I got no response, so I climbed up on the couch (yeah, I know I shouldn't be sitting there, but I'm sure Santa understands the importance of a comfy spot), circled twice, curled up into a ball, and fell asleep.

Later that night, Sister decided to go up to bed early so that she could wrap some presents before falling asleep.  Eager to help, I followed her up the stairs and proceeded to check out all the tools she had brought with her.  First I sniffed the scissors, but, just as I was about to pick them up, Sister swooped in and took them from me.  Then I sniffed the tape.  It was really sticky and every time I sniffed at it it tugged at my whiskers.  Seeing this as a potential danger, I decided right then and there to get it out of Sister's way before it accidentally got stuck on something.  I got three steps away before Sister noticed and took the tape away from me.  Next I moved in to sniff the wrapping paper, but Sister kept telling me to "leave it" as though she expected me to grab it and rip it to shreds.  A bag of gifts were next, and when I grabbed the handles of the bag, Sister pounced (she's actually a lot faster than she looks). 

Missed a spot.

Since I obviously wasn't succeeding at helping Sister with her wrapping, I decided that I should provide her with music instead.  I ran to my pillow and started scratching away like I was playing the washboard in an old time jug band and barking at various decibels and pitches.  After a couple of songs, I noticed that Sister was starting to pack up and put away her supplies (I guess she just wasn't into wrapping).  Then, I saw it: the one single package Sister had managed to wrap.  I scurried over to inspect her work.  It wasn't too bad a job, but I did notice that one corner was not completely taped down.  In the interest of pointing out the loose piece, I grabbed hold of it in my mouth and gave a mighty tug.

Shortly thereafter, I noticed that Sister seemed to be annoyed at something.  I'm not sure what exactly happened to make her so upset, but, being the good dog I am, I curled up next to her and rested my chin on her leg.

A Visit From Karin

On Friday, Karin (mom to my bff Mecki) came over to visit me.  Okay, she and Sister were technically just killing time before the Library’s holiday party began, but really, who wouldn’t look forward to visiting me?

I’m sorry to say I barked at her when she first came in, but that was only because I had forgotten that Sister had told me she was coming and I was concerned that the person following Sister into the house was a burglar trying to steal my kibble (one must remain ever vigilant for dinner thieves).  Anyway, once I realized who it was, I quickly grabbed my Lyle, Lyle the Crocodile toy and began circling her in greeting (oh, I also gave Sister a wag of the tail—she’s seen Lyle before).

Now, let me just say right off the bat that Karin is the perfect guest.  Not only did she come to say hello to me, but she also brought food—three gingerbread men dog treats to be exact.  They were really tasty (a quick note to Karin: Sorry I nearly took off your fingers when you gave me the treats—I get a bit over excited when it comes to food and tend to misjudge where the cookie ends and the finger begins).  Cementing her glorified status in my mind, Karin then sat down with me in the living room and scratched my neck.

Then it was supper time.  Sister made my dinner and Karin gave me the go ahead to eat (my family insists that I be polite and wait to be told to eat—it’s very hard to be so well behaved).  While I ate, I heard Karin tell my Sister that Mecki gets just about the same amount of food each day as I do.  I did some quick math and determined that either someone is being overfed or someone is being underfed and frankly, I’m apt to go with the latter.

After I finished eating (and after I burped on Karin) she and I went back into the living room.  I made sure to act as cute and adorable as possible.  I even rolled on my back to give her the opportunity to rub my belly (the highest honor I can bestow on someone).

It was then I noticed them; the sparkly bracelets Karin wore around her wrist.  Those who know me well already know this, but for everyone else, let me interject and say that I have a thing about sparkly jewelry.  It fascinates me, the sparkle of shiny stones and the glint of well polished metal.   I’m hypnotized by it and drawn to it.  One minute I’m begging for belly rubs and the next thing I know I’m absentmindedly licking the jewelry.  Anyway, Karin had a whole collection of shiny bracelets on and I just couldn’t help myself.  Now, if I just sat there licking the metal I would have been fine, but I got greedy.  I wanted the bracelets for myself.  Hoping no one would notice, I stealthily started to nibble on them using my front raspberry picking teeth (the front four teeth on the top and bottom of my mouth between my canines that I use to pluck ripe raspberries off the bush each summer).  Apparently I wasn’t sly enough though because Karin told me to stop.  I did, for a few minutes, then, hoping she forgot her earlier command, I started nibbling again.  What can I say, I’m nothing if not persistent.

Then a sad thing happened.  Karin and my Sister decided that it was time to leave to go to the Library’s holiday party.  Then a very sad thing happened.  I was told that I wasn’t allowed to attend.  Talk about bah humbug!  Anyway, Karin said goodbye to me and I collected the bribery cookie Sister gave me to allow her and Karin to leave the house (granted she had to do this twice because they didn’t move fast enough and I beat them back to the door).  With a sigh, I went into the living room to wait for Ma and Pa to come home from work.

When Sister came home from the party, she told me that Karin had said that I was a very good boy and so well behaved.   She also told me that Karin has declared that she no longer believes all the stories Sister has told at work about how troublesome I am.  I was shocked.  Sister is spreading lies about me a work?!

Before I go:  Happy Birthday Karin!

Digging For Attention

It is a sad fact of life, but sometimes my family does not pay me the attention I so rightfully deserve.  I mean, I give them ample alone time when they are at work or running errands, but after that I believe their waking and sleeping hours should be completely devoted to me and my needs.  Is that so much to ask for?  I think not!  Anyway, as I was saying, sometimes my family gets a bit distracted.  When that happens I am forced to act out so as to remind them of their duty to me.  Yesterday was just such a day.

Sister had taken a few of days off from work to start her Christmas shopping.  Knowing this, I understood and accepted the fact that she would be a bit more distracted than usual and I was willing to give her a pass because Santa is watching and if I want a new plush toy to rip the squeaker out of I need to be on my best behavior.  Therefore, I looked away when she left the house first thing in the morning and didn't come back until lunch time after which she sometimes went back out again.  But our agreement didn't end there nor was it so one sided.  For allowing Sister ample time to go Christmas shopping I demanded, in return, that, when she was home, she was required to spend the entire time scratching my ears, rubbing my belly, and giving me treats.

Well, Sister didn't hold up her end of the bargain.

Once Sister got home from the mall she let me out into the back yard.  First, I sniffed around and checked the perimeters.  Next, I chased a squirrel down the fence and up a tree (A quick side story:  The people in the yard behind me have created a security breach by leaving a cut up pumpkin in their backyard for the squirrels to eat.  Now I'm spending a considerable amount of my day chasing those interloping squirrels out of my yard).  After that I bunked noses with the Honey, the Yellow Lab next door.  It was then that I realized that I had lost complete track of Sister's whereabouts. 

I scanned the backyard.  Nothing.  I ran down the driveway.  She wasn't there.  There was only one thing left to do:  Bark as long and as loud as I could to alert the neighborhood that my Sister had gone somewhere without me and that I was quite displeased.  After the first few barks (one of which was my trademark, ear piercing, high pitched yip), I heard the following shout come from within the house: "I'm coming!  I'm coming!"  Now, I wasn't particularly happy with Sister's tone, but I was glad to hear that she hadn't gone somewhere exciting without me and quickly ran to the door with my tail wagging.  My joy, however, was short lived.

From the basement Sister emerged with a giant vacuum cleaner which she brought outside and placed next to her car (a car, I might add, that I'm not allowed to ride in because it is too new...not that I'm bitter or anything).  Then, rather than chase me into the backyard and play my favorite game in the whole world "Rip A Branch Off The Forsythia Bush And Keep It Away From Sister," Sister proceeded to vacuum then wash her car.  What nerve!

As I'm sure you will all agree, I really had no choice; I had to regain Sister's attention.  I decided to start small:  I laid down and started chewing on a stick.  Stick chewing usually brings Sister running because she's afraid that I might get a piece stuck in my throat, but she didn't even notice.  Spitting out the shredded wood, I made the quick decision to move right on to Plan B:  Barking at imaginary things on the other side of my fence.  Apparently, I underestimated how deafening the vacuum cleaner was.  "Plan C it is," I thought.  I casually meandered over to the flower bed located right alongside Sister's car, found a nice soft patch of dirt with the dried up stem of a plant sticking up, and started to dig with abandon.  I threw dirt so high up in the air that it looked as though it was snowing and, for good measure, I even pinged a few small rocks off Sister' bumper.  But it was all for naught; she was still too distracted.  Figuring that perhaps she didn't notice me digging because her car obstructed her view, I moved on to another more visible spot and dug some more.  Nothing!  Totally defeated, I found a grassy spot, laid down, and took a nap.



...and what a fine hole it was

Needless to say, Sister eventually found my holes and asked out loud who was responsible for them.  I wagged my tail proudly.  Maybe next time she won't ignore me.