A Bilingual Boy

I am bilingual. Obviously, I know my mother tongue and use it often (when I’m happy, when I’m sulking, when I want something, when I’m tapping into the neighborhood hotline, when someone walks in front of my house, when I imagine someone walking in front of my house, etc.), but I also know English. In fact, I am actually quite fluent in spoken English if I do say so myself. 

In my mind, English words fall into four categories: important words, upsetting words, tricks and commands, and reminders.

Under the heading of important words are words like dinner, supper, walk, cookie, and do you wanna followed by a fun activity (i.e., do you wanna go to work and do you wanna go in the AC?).

Upsetting words include species on my list of arch enemies (squirrels, bunnies, etc.) and the scary way the woman in the smoke detector says “fi-re.”

Tricks and commands include boring instructional words like sit, down, wait, and come as well as all the performance tricks I’ve learned throughout the years including say your prayers, eights (a personal favorite of mine), paw, high five, wave, one potato-two potato, BANG!, and let’s dance.

Reminders include phrases like “Rigs, go do your business” for when I’ve forgotten why I’ve gone outside, “focus” for when I am distracted when I should be focusing on actually doing business, and “we’re not here to eat grass” for when I’m escorted out of the backyard because, well, while I love the taste of grass, grass doesn’t love me.

But, being the overachiever that I am, I decided not to stop solely at being fluent in the spoken word. I have also learned a number written English words as well.

For instance, the words Chewy and Baskin-Robbins both mean Rigby, or more precisely, something for Rigby. I recognize that boxes clearly marked Chewy include toys, food, bones, and, unfortunately, shampoo, while Baskin-Robbins bags have ice cream inside them (which I get to sample). And let me tell you, when those boxes and bags enter the house, well, let’s just say they get my full and undivided attention.

Pay No Attention to the Turkeys in the Backyard

When faced with a security breach, one must take certain steps to ensure the safety of all those within the breach’s proximity. 

Assess the Situation—one wouldn’t want to overreact and sound a false alarm. 

A couple of weekends ago, my family was all aflutter about something that was happening outside the widow.  Because no one was frantically upset, the event was clearly happening outside the house, and my family and I were securely inside the house, I decided that the situation was under control and that my mid-morning nap could continue as scheduled. 

Be Suspicious of Silence—don’t let a threat catch you flatfooted. 

A little while later, Aunt B and I were left alone in the house.  B received a phone call and disappeared toward the back of the building.  When she didn’t return in a timely manner, I decided that it was time to investigate.  Getting up, I paddled into the dining room. 

Check the Perimeter—look for threats. 

The key is to scan the area from left to right.  Saddling up alongside Aunt B, I looked out the window toward the far left of the yard and immediately saw the next-door neighbor walking from her house toward the in ground pool wearing an orange swimming cap. 

Sound the Alarm—the louder the better. 

Realizing this woman was obviously a major threat to security, I let out a hysterical string of warning barks. 

Commit to your Reaction—never second guess yourself. 

The woman in the orange swimming cap was absolutely one hundred percent the greatest threat to my property.  No questions asked.  Therefore, I purposely paid absolutely no attention to the family of turkeys who had traversed from the front yard to the back and were busy grazing brazenly in the middle of my yard.  I swear I knew they were there the whole time.