The Benefits of Age

Pretty handsome
for 95

They say age is only a number. That being said, I’m 95 years old, darn it, and with age I think I’ve earned the right to take some liberties. If I want to do something that I would have gotten yelled at when I was younger, then I’m going to do it and if I want to be quirkier than usual, well that’s my prerogative. The way I see it, I’ve earned the right to do what I want the way I want.

So behold, the promises of a 95-year-old man: 

Manners invented by the humans will no longer apply:

• I will circle the dinner table like a shark
• I will raise my snout at the dinner table to see if any dishes are a bit too close to the edge (and try to sneak a taste)
• I will lick Pa’s elbow while he’s eating
  

Patrolling for food and licking an elbow

Food demands will always be met:

• I will expect my dinners to be spiked with a variety of vegetables including broccoli, green beans, sweet potatoes, and carrots
• I will wipe my snout on any soft surface I want after eating
• I will get a big cookie after simply barking at the big cookie box 

Snout wiping after a tasty meal

Exercise routines are based on my schedule and interest level:

• I will decide when walks happen as well as how long they last (if I only want to go to the end of the block then that’s how far I’ll go)
• I will occasionally launch into a full gallop just to scare my humans

Sleeping is done on my terms:

• I will demand that someone hoist my back end up onto the couch for me
• I will demand that someone sleep at least part of the night with me in the living room rather than the whole night in the bedroom
• I will require someone to make sure that all my feet are accounted for and pointing in the right direction when I lay down (and rearrange them if they aren’t)
• I will take up as much of the couch as I want

Waiting for a boost and spreading out

Annoyances will be dealt with swiftly:

• I will reap the benefits of selective hearing loss
• I will get up and walk away in a huff when Sister starts to pluck tufts of loose fur off of me

My time, my hobbies:

• I will physically block doorways without a second thought
• I will bark for 10 minutes straight at imaginary objects
• I will give people the evil eye when they refuse to go to work
• I will rip the stuffing out of any toy I want
• I will steal a broken toy from atop the table while Pa’s watching
• I will rip all wrapping paper and some boxes
• I will bark hysterically at little dogs wearing pink polka-dotted dresses when normally I would ignore them
  

Why aren't you at work?

Restroom etiquette: 

• I will do my business in the backyard on the new sod rather than in my designated business spot

Posing with the new sod