A Barky Boy

My family thinks that I bark way too much and for no good reason.  I beg to differ.  I do not bark that much, but when I do bark, it is always for a perfectly legitimate reason.  Here are some of the instances when I bark (and the reasons why my barking in each scenario is completely justified):

• A dog passes by my house:  I'm simply extending a friendly "hello" to the passerby; to say nothing would be impolite.
• A person walks by my house:  See previous reasoning.
• A squirrel walks by my house:  I'm sounding an alarm to the rest of the block that a suspicious character with four legs and a bushy tail is wandering around the neighborhood.
• Someone slams their car door:

1. It is impolite to slam doors.
2. I call shotgun!

• I want my toy:  Tradition dictates that I get a special treat every night after dinner and to deny me my chewy bone or squeaker toy because I a) am obsessed with ripping it apart, or b) have already ripped it apart the previous night and am unaware that it has been thrown out, is cruel.
• My toy just rolled out of reach:  It is exceedingly upsetting when one of my toys rolls a full foot away from my mouth.
• I want to go out:  Because I haven't yet figured out how to open the door by myself.  And yes, the first time I go out is to do business, but every hour after that is to make sure that the squirrels haven't taken over my yard.
• Good morning!:  It is polite to greet the morning (and the world) by going outside and issuing a hearty "hello" bark, regardless of the time. 
•  Good evening!:  It is equally polite to end the day by going outside and barking a clear, crisp "goodnight" to the world, regardless of the time.
• I see crumbs on the table:  

1. One human's trash is another dog's treasure:  You don't want the crumbs and I haven't eaten a thing in like twenty minutes!  It's a win/win for everyone!
2. Tidiness:  Me vacuuming up your crumbs helps to keep your house neat.  You're welcome.

• I just ate my breakfast/dinner:  I'm howling my complements to the chef.
• There might be something there:  As the Head of Security, I take "see something say something" so seriously that I am almost legally obligated to draw attention to all potential threats (even if those threats prove to be less than threatening or completely non-existent).

Now, I think that my list speaks for itself (that I don't bark too often and that when I do open my mouth it is for a perfectly good reason), but in case some of my loyal readers find themselves siding with my family (it's okay...I'm not insulted...not one little bit), I'd like to mention that, statistically, I spend way more time eating, looking for trouble, and sleeping than I do barking.  But does my family call me a "Sleepy Boy?"  No.  They call me a "Barky Boy."