Not A Kissy Dog

I am not a kissy dog.  Sure, I'll check your hands for tasty scraps or enticing smells after you've finished eating.  And yes, I have been known to obsessively lick a person's leg until he/she is totally grossed out.  But give out traditional kisses?  That's just not how I roll.  I'd much prefer to show my affection by allowing someone to rub my butt or scratch my belly, and if I felt particularly affectionate, I'd stick my wet nose in someone's eye (I've discovered that people squeal with appreciation the loudest when I do this while they're sleeping).

That being said, there have been a couple of times in my life that I have presented someone with an actual, genuine, kiss and I've discovered that these super rare signs of affection fall into one of three categories:

Who Wants A Kiss?

A Peck:  I walk up to the recipient and, before he/she knows what's happening, I give him/her one big wet lap across the face.  With the kiss out of my system, I simply continue on my way.

A Nibble:  This category is reserved solely for Sister.  It consists of me giving her two "pecks" on the nose with a quick nibble (using what my family refers to as my raspberry picking teeth AKA my incisors which are the perfect tools for precision picking of ripe fruit) in between.  And if nibbling on Sister's nose wasn't fun enough, I then get to watch her reaction which includes swatting me away with her arms and a hilarious combination of squeals, squeaks, and screams.  And my response?  A smile and a wag of my tail.

A Slosh:  This category is also reserved solely for Sister.  First, I get a big drink of water.  For those of you who don't know, I'm not one to drink water by politely skimming it off the top of the bowl, snout suspended well above the high water mark.  Instead, I drink from the bottom of the bowl up, meaning I stick my entire snout under the surface.  Because of this technique, and coupled with my abundant supply of jowls, when I come up for air I am sopping wet.  Having filling my jowls, I next go looking for Sister, and, when I finally find her, I give her a great big wet kiss across the face releasing the gallons of water I have stored up.  The combination of laughing, gurgling, spitting, and flailing that issues from Sister is priceless.

Insoles and Sneakiness

I never turn down the opportunity to be bad.  Why should I?  Sure, when I'm good and do exactly what my family says, I get treats and attention.  But I've discovered over the years that I get way more attention and way more treats when I do things that I'm not supposed to do.  Consider this: when I steal something I'm not supposed to have, everyone in the house suddenly drops whatever they're doing, chases me down, pounces on me, and begs me to drop my prize.  When I refuse to give up what I have, someone, usually Ma or Sister, shouts "toss it for a cookie?"  Well, for those not in the know, I consider "toss it for a cookie" magic words akin (though way more powerful) than "please" and "thank you."  Upon hearing these words, I quickly drop my prize and run into the kitchen to claim my reward.

But even better than being bad and being caught is being bad and not getting caught.  You see, despite my larger than life personality, I can be surprisingly sneaky.  That sneakiness is particularly handy when I get a hankering for my new favorite past-time:  Ripping the insoles out of Sister's shoes.

Getting the shoes are surprisingly easy.  I wait until Sister is distracted (the best is when she's either on the phone with someone or working on the computer), then I go in for the kill, swiping the shoe (I take one at time) without her even noticing (sometimes, she swears that she doesn't even remember taking them off).  And because Sister is distracted and has no idea that I have her shoe, I usually have plenty of time to disappear into another room and worked my magic on it.  First, I chew on the body of the shoe leaving teeth marks in the leather.  Next, I shred the insole.  For this step, I have two techniques.  Sometimes I tear out a large piece of the insole and then rip it to shreds while other times I shred the insole while it's still attached to the shoe.

Eventually, Sister discovers my mischievousness and takes her shoe back, whimpering over the shredded insole.  She also swears that she's never going to talk to me again, but I'm not worried because I know it is an empty threat.  After about ten minutes of me looking up at her with my big brown eyes and offering my belly for a rub, she eventually melts and gives in to my cuteness.  And really, in the end, she doesn't even seem that bothered by the destruction of the shoe.  Every time I've shredded one, Sister merely collects the pieces, puts them back together like a slobbery jigsaw puzzle, and, once the pieces are dry, goes back to wearing the shoes like they didn't have my teeth marks in them.

Me and My Collection

And now on to my record:  I'm proud to say that, within the last six months, I have managed to run off with and shred the insoles of three pairs of shoes (two rights and one left).

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween

to All My Friends!

Enough!  The Horns Have Got To GO!!

A Tale of Two Days in One

I'm a literary dog.  Not only are books tasty (I've gnawed on travel books, shredded the dust cover of Pa's favorite Keith Richards book, and "edited" another book that Pa was reading but not enjoying), but I can also quote from them.  The opening line from Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" sums up what my day was like on Sunday.

"It was the best of times..."

Johnny and I Vie For Pa's Attention

Me at Old Westbury Gardens

Sunday was Dog Days at Old Westbury Gardens.  For two glorious hours my family and I wandered around the estate taking pictures, sniffing interesting smells, and bunking noses with a whole pack of strange dogs (well, I bunked noses with the dogs, my family just gave them pats on the head as they passed by).  Speaking of bunking noses with other dogs, I ran into two of my Golden Retriever friends:  Emma Rose and Johnny.  Emma Rose is very refined and is more than happy to bunk noses and move on.  Johnny, on the other paw, is, well, a lot like me.  He loves to roughhouse!  We ran back and forth on our leashes, boxed, and then took turns trying to knock the legs out from under each other (Pa calls this technique submarine-ing). After one boxing match, Johnny flopped down on the grass and started rolling on his back.  I took advantage of the situation and scurried over to Johnny's mom for pets.  Then Johnny got up and ran to my Pa for pets.  Not wanting to miss out on any attention, I then horned in on Pa and Johnny and forced Pa to pet me as well as Johnny (good thing he has two hands).

Into the Woods

I also played a trick on my family.  When we were walking through the Boxwood Gardens, I made a bee line for the reflecting pool.  For one frantic moment, my family actually thought that I was going to jump head first into the smelly water.  I smiled and wagged my tail at the fun.

"...it was the worst of times."

Despite all the fun I had at the Gardens, there was something missing:  my bff Mecki.  You see, my friend Mecki and I have meet up at both the spring and fall Dog Days every year since we first met.  It's always an entertaining event:  Mecki climbs all over me, I whop him on the head with my paw, and we fight over who is going to lead our little pack as we walk through the estate.  But Mecki's mom (who always brings me a special cookie) was on vacation, so I didn't get to meet up with him or his new little brother Bastille (though I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a tad but concerned about meeting a pup who has been described to me as a "vampire piranha" who is actively spitting out his baby teeth left and right).

After the Bath

Not getting to play with Mecki and meet Bastille was disappointing, but something even worse was about to happen to me.  On the way home from the Gardens, my family stopped off at the doggy spa and I was unceremoniously tossed into a bathtub and scrubbed down with soap and water.  It goes without saying that I was completely devastated by this turn of events.  All the lovely smells I had collected over the past weeks (not to mention those I had collected over the previous few hours at the Gardens) were gone; washed down the drain.  And if that wasn't bad enough, I was so exhausted from gallivanting around the Gardens that I didn't have the strength to put up a fight while Ma and Pa washed me (the way I see it, if I'm going to be wet and unhappy, everyone involved should be wet and unhappy too).

So there you have it, two very different days wrapped up into one.  I had a blast at Old Westbury Gardens and I had a bath and missed out on playing with Mecki and Bastille.  What can I say?  I guess you can't win them all (though Sister did take advantage of my clean state to take some new head shots).

 

Under the Weather

On Tuesday morning I had my scheduled check up with my buddy the vet.  Now, I know that some pups (and humans for that matter) dislike going to the doctor.  Not me.  I love visiting the vet because of all the attention I get.

Consider my normal trip to the vet:  As soon as I walk in the door, I'm greeted by the nice receptionists at the desk; a group of women Pa refers to as my "girlfriends."  They ooh and aah over me, and tell me that I'm the handsomest pup they've ever seen.  Next, I scan the room and size up the people and animals waiting for their appointments.  If the animal is friendly, I bunk noses with him; if the human is friendly I allow him to shower me with attention; and if no one is particularly friendly, I hang out next to the "adopt a cat" crate (I have to be careful though, in the past, some of those cats have tried swatting at my snout).  Anyway, when it's my turn to see the doctor, I rush into the room and jump right up onto the hydro-lift table/scale (heightening has always been a passion of mine).  Then the doctor complements me on my sparkling personality and gleaming white teeth.  Sometimes, he does things I don't like (like clipping my nails, giving me shots, or suggesting that I might want lose a little weight), but that's okay because he makes up for it with praise.  Then, when it's time to go home, I mooch a cookie off my "girlfriends" at the desk.

But despite all the perks of going to the vet, sometimes, there are less than desirable side effects.  Tuesday's trip, which involved me receiving not one but two shots in the butt, proved that point.

First of all, whenever I come home from the vet, I am completely spent; it's exhausting, after all, being so social, handsome, and lovable.  Anyway, as soon as I got home on Tuesday morning, I high-tailed it to my pillow and slept like a log until Sister came home from work at lunch time.  With a good nap under my collar, I wasted no time in immediately taking part in my daily lunchtime ritual of barking hysterically at Sister until she caves and gives me my squeaker-less (I killed the squeaker last Friday) squeaker toy.  An hour later, Sister traded me a cookie for my toy (I'm not allowed to play with my squeaker toy all day long because a) my family wants it to be a special treat that will keep me occupied when silence is needed and b) I'm prone to ripping it apart just for the fun of it), patted me on the head, and returned to work.  I, in turn, returned to my pillow and fell fast asleep.

But while I woke up refreshed in the afternoon, by night time I was no longer feeling well.  I felt sluggish, tired, and my butt hurt.  A sympathetic offering of my squeaker-less squeaking toy and a new fluffy pillow (I shredded the last one) lifted my spirits slightly, but I just wasn't myself.

I began mournfully whining at around 2am.

Now, for those who don't know, I am particularly pitiful when I'm sick, hurt, or not feeling well.  Lucky for me, my family is super sympathetic and all three have spent at least one night over the last five and a half years caring for me when my tummy hurt or something else troubled me.  On this particular evening, Pa offered to sit up with me.  He also gave me half an aspirin so that I'd be comfortable enough to sleep.

First thing Wednesday morning, Ma called the vet.  He told her that I was having a reaction to one of the shots he gave me and that I'd likely feel better by the following morning (and if I didn't, Ma could bring me in and he'd take a look at me).

When Ma left for work after speaking to the vet, Sister took over as my caregiver.  I curled up next to her on my pillow and she rubbed my back while I took a nap.  When I woke up two hours later, she gave me back my squeaker-less squeaker toy and took me outside for some fresh air.  Then we came in and I took another nap.

The next thing I knew it was three hours later and Sister had stopped by the house during her dinner break to check on me.  Feeling a little bit more like myself, I greeted her at the door with Monkey Monk.  After rubbing my back for a couple of minutes, Sister returned to work and I returned to, you guessed it, my nap.

As the evening progressed, I felt more and more like myself.  I even managed to rev up the energy to gut one of my plush toys and grub for ice cream.  Hopefully I'll be back to my normal troublesome self by morning.

When Halloween Comes Early

I never realized it before a couple of days ago, but eastern Long Island appears to be the epicenter of all things scary. Yeah, I’ve been troubled by all the new species of wildlife I’ve encountered here (most notably fish that fall from the sky), but nothing compares with what I’ve most recently encountered.

All day Sunday I watched while the neighbors across the street scurried around their front yard, emptying boxes and putting up lights. Overall, I didn’t think much of their activity, they are always out and about tending their garden, and with the exception of the obligatory bark I shoot them every couple of minutes when they draw my attention, I basically ignore them.

Freddie Kruger

Cemetery King

Apparently, however, I should have paid them more attention during the day because, when darkness fell and I looked out the window, I was greeted by a truly frightening Halloween display complete with Draculas in coffins, Freddie Kruger mannequin, witches with cauldrons, tombstones, cemetery kings, scary creatures clawing their way out of the ground, and, scariest of all, one of those blow up balloon creatures (which are frightening even when they are caricatures of someone as harmless as Santa Claus…watching them inflate from a scary plastic puddle on the ground to a large menacing plastic creature is truly terrifying). And I mustn’t forget the sound effects! Now, whenever I go outside I am surrounded by the sound of mournful wails and blood curdling screams. Let’s just say, this turn of events makes going outside to do my business a less than pleasant experience.

And does it get any less scary by day? Not one bit! In fact, it might even be scarier. Every time I look out my window—you know, the window from which I keep tabs on the squirrel population—I see this…

Scary Witch

Not to be outdone, my family decided to put up their own Halloween decorations. Great! Now every morning, I must defend my household from the scary witch in the window as well as from Dracula across the street! And this morning, I was so preoccupied with the witch that I didn’t even notice when Pa pulled his car into the driveway after returning home from the local deli. Let’s just say, when he walked through the door, I was one hundred percent sure that Freddie was coming in after me (so I barked menacingly).

But the horror didn’t end there.

On Monday afternoon, Ma asked me if I’d like to go outside. Being the obliging dog that I am, I jumped up off my pillow and scurried to the door. Out the door we went and, upon setting foot on the porch, I saw, far off in the distance and all the way across the yard, a squirrel moseying across the grass.

Now, as my loyal readers know, I do not tolerate squirrels meandering across my yard. Lately, however, I’ve had to be extra vigilant. You see, the mole population, after a quiet spring and summer, has returned to my property with a vengeance. Since I’m well aware that no good comes from fighting two fronts simultaneously, I’ve decided that I have to be extra strict with the squirrels to ensure that they do not become too comfortable.

Anyway, down the stairs I ran, barking furiously at the squirrel who was still brazenly gallivanting around my backyard. When I reached the foot of the stairs, however, the threat that the squirrel posed suddenly dissipated. I had come face to face with a far more menacing foe and, after jumping about ten feet into the air, I showed it who was boss with my loudest and most menacing bark yet.

Sure, four plastic Adirondack chairs stacked in two piles might not seem scary, but when you’re not expecting them and they are lurking just out of view, ready to spring out at you when you innocently come down the stairs, well, let’s just say anyone would have had the reaction I had.

After all the Draculas, witches, and chairs I’ve dealt with these last couple of days, I kind of miss the simpler less frightening days of fish falling from the skies.

Dig, Dig, Dig

"I think I see a new place to dig!"

I consider myself to be an expert on all things digging and hole related.  I love digging holes, I love wallowing in holes, and I even love watching people fill in my holes (because that means I get to re-dig them as soon as that person turns his/her back).  And considering I'm generally not allowed to practice my hobby (for some reason my family does not want me digging up the lawn/garden nor do they particularly enjoy me being covered from nose to tail in mud) my workmanship is pretty impressive.  Consider some of my handiwork from the last couple of weeks.

A Cool, Shady Hole

Forsythia:  A couple of weeks ago I dug this hole under the forsythia bush.  I've used this spot before; it's one of my favorites because the sheer size and density of the bush makes it nearly impossible for my family to hook my collar and drag me out from under it.  I dug this particular hole because a) it was fun (the ground was nice and dry so every sweep of my paw caused a dust cloud to form) and b) Sister was distracted and not paying me the proper amount of attention.

Posing With My Hole

Vegetable Garden:  Recently removed from the "Land of No" list, the area that contains the vegetable garden is a treasure trove of entertaining digging mediums including grass, dirt, and the occasional bunny burrow.  A couple of days ago, I chose the cold damp dirt of the vegetable garden itself.  Now, most of the vegetable plants themselves were removed weeks ago, so sadly there weren't any tomatoes or peppers to nibble on, but that didn't hinder my enjoyment.  My nose got muddy, my paws got muddy, and Sister's pants got muddy when I casually rubbed my snout across her knee.

Scratch Marks on the Rug

Rug:  The inside of the house doesn't offer too many opportunities to dig, but being the creative pup that I am, I've managed to find a few spots.  Over the years I've discovered that the wall to wall carpeting in the upstairs hallway and bedrooms practically beg to be dug at.  And dig I do; I dig in the morning, I dig in the afternoon, I dig in the evening, and I even get up and dig in my sleep (this last one really annoys my family).

Digging in the Doggy Pool

There are a couple of places and times that I am actually allowed to dig (or "dig, dig, dig" as my family calls it).  The problem is, however, that these opportunities are few and far between.  I'm allowed to dig in the doggy pool and on the giant snow mountain my family builds me after every winter storm.  So, basically, I'm only allowed to dig on the hottest days of the year and after a significant snowstorm.  Believe me, that's not a lot of opportunities for a little dog who loves to dig as much as I do.