Sunday, April 21, 2019

Easter 2019

I'd like to wish all my friends and family a very happy Easter.  My words of advice for this day are simple:
  1. Keep an eye out for the Easter Bunny.  You see, despite the fact that he is known for hiding tasty treats throughout the house for pups like me to find, whatever he leaves behind is simply not worth the security nightmare of having a bunny hippity hoppin' through the house.
  2. Jelly beans are small and round.  If you follow a jelly bean eater around changes are good he or she will accidentally drop at least one on the floor.  The grey ones are the tastiest.
  3. Go out and buy yourself a fedora and take lots of pictures of you wearing it.  I mean, check it out!  It took nearly ten years, but Sister finally managed to find a holiday outfit that does not make me look foolish.  In fact, I think I look quite dapper!


Okay, maybe you can look foolish wearing a fedora.  Leave it to Sister to find a way!




Sunday, March 31, 2019

Stumpy Strikes Again!

I left Sister in charge of the house this weekend while I spent a couple of relaxing days out east with Ma and Pa.  I told her to periodically check the perimeters.  I told her to keep the squirrels, bunnies, and other assorted interlopers at bay while I was out.  It was a simple request.  She should have had no trouble following through.

That said, I came home to this:


Stumpy, that stupid little half-squirrel half-rabbit freak, had struck again and this time he left a pizza crust on my window sill.

Now, I know what you, my loyal readers are thinking.  You’re thinking, “Hey, that was a really nervy thing for Stumpy to do, but maybe that means that the pizza tree* is flowering again.  Maybe he’s doing you a favor.”  Well, I checked and there are no other pizza crusts on the pizza tree so either Stumpy took the only slice or the remains on my window sill are his take-out leftovers.

Any way you slice it, it just goes to show that good security help is hard to find.

 
* For all my new fans out there, click here to read about the famous (and delicious) pizza tree.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

While I Was Out

This was an odd month.

It all started three Fridays ago (yeah, Sister's been kind of negligent when it comes to recording my stories...you just can't get good help).  Anyway, three Fridays ago, Sister got up earlier than usual (she's about as much a morning person as I am, so her getting up early is always a surprise) and rather than pack her work bag, she packed her overnight bag, kissed me on the snout, and left the house.

A few hours later, she sent me the following video.



I was confused.  That barking in the background?  It sounded really familiar, but I just couldn't put my paw on it.  Those deer, however, definitely looked familiar (actually, I'm pretty sure I've barked at them before).  And that backyard?  Not only was it familiar, I knew exactly where it was.  It was my backyard out east.

A little later, Sister sent me the following picture and things suddenly started to make sense.


It was my bff Mecki and his little brother Bastille!

But then I started thinking...what are Mecki and Bastille doing in my house out east?

I learned later that Sister and Karin had spent the weekend out east eating Reubens (they didn't bring me a doggy bag), hunting for treasure on the beach with a metal detector (they dug up a quarter without my help), sightseeing (the last time I went to Greenport it was 95 degrees and Pa and I spent an hour looking for a shady tree to sit under), and painting rocks (if you recall, growing up, rocks were "my only friends").  And when they weren't directly included in the fun, Mecki and Bastille lounged in my house and barked at my deer!

Collar Bling
Two days later (and smelling like Mecki and Bastille), Sister came home and brought with her a peace offering for me--some bling for my collar.  Now, I was a bit annoyed that I wasn't invited on the trip, but Sister's gift was just so me that I couldn't be too mad at her for very long.  I mean, look at it!  As my loyal readers know, I so don't get fetch!

Anyway, as the new week began and life got back to normal, I kind of forgot about the previous weekend (except for the occasional fits of laughter that came about whenever Sister described Bastille lunging face first at the glass window and sliding down it cartoon style).  In fact, by the time the following weekend rolled around, my concern and bitterness had disappeared completely.

Which brings me to two Friday nights ago.  After they had returned home from work and finished their dinners, Ma and Pa whisked me into the car and we headed out east.

When I got there, I immediately ran inside the house and hot footed it to my pillow where my toys are usually kept.  But they weren't there.  Ma, thinking quickly, grabbed a squeaky ball left on the table and tossed it onto my pillow.  I lowered my head to grab the toy, but stopped inches from the ball.  My pillow smelled like Mecki.

I looked up quizzically at Ma who was watching me expectantly.  It was then that I realized that there was a wafting smell of Mecki and Bastille bombarding me from all directions.  I sniffed my way around the living room, then into the kitchen and the dining room.  I circled back into the living room (sniffed the bulging eye/nose smudge left on the window by Bastille's leap) then made my way to the guest room and bathroom.  Their scent was all around, yet my four-legged pals were nowhere to be seen.

Ma suggested at this point that we should go outside and check the perimeters, and do you know what?  Mecki and Bastille's scent was all over the backyard too.  I went around sniffing every tree and following every trail.  I sniffed high and low and even circled back a few times to sniff a spot again.  I was so preoccupied with the task of tracking my friends that I didn't even realize that I had wandered out the side gate until I heard Ma screaming my name.  She found me in the neighbor's front yard, hooked a finger under my collar, and escorted me back into my yard.  After a few more sniffs, Ma and I went back inside the house.

Once inside, I followed Pa, who seemed distracted by something, into the basement where I discovered that even that part of the house smell like my bff and his little brother.  I didn't get a great chance to really investigate because after a minute or so Pa hurried up the stairs to report that the heat wasn't working (I didn't notice, but then again, I'm always wearing a coat) and I felt like I needed to be present at the troubleshooting session that would surely follow the news.

An hour later, a knocking came at the door.  I started barking furiously expecting the knocker to be Mecki or Bastille showing up to end this game of hide and go seek.  Well, it wasn't Mecki or Bastille, but instead a repairman who made his way through the living room, then the kitchen, the dining room, and finally down into the basement to fix the burner.

Great, I thought, another trail to follow!

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

A Cruel Bunny

So, here's the good news. This post is not about Stumpy, that stupid little half-bunny half-squirrel freak who taunts me by storing leftover bread on my windowsills. No, today's post is about a stupid little fluffy tailed bunny who mocked me unmercifully last weekend.

It was early evening and I was outside with Pa for my post-supper business trip/check of the perimeter. I wandered up and down the fence connecting my property and Bruno's (sadly, he wasn't home), scanned the front yard through the fence for deer (none), and gave a mighty bark to alert the neighborhood dogs of my presence (a high-pitched bark from a block over answered my call). With the perimeter seemingly secure, I started toward the back corner of the yard to my designated business area, but stopped after a few feet when a sudden movement caught my eye. There, in the middle of the grass, about twenty-five feet away from me, was a stupid little bunny staring back at me with his stupid little unblinking glass marble-like eyes.

As my loyal readers know, I couldn’t, in good faith, allow this interloper to brazenly ignore the boundaries of my property. I had to chase him away. Immediately, I started running toward the stupid little bunny and that stupid little bunny turned his stupid little fluffy bunny tail and made a mad dash for the back fence. He chose poorly, however. The area of the fence he fled to lacked an escape hole out of the yard.

Realizing he had no way out, the stupid little bunny turned 90 degrees and started running back into the yard toward the direction of the front gate. I made the turn as well and followed after him. It was after I made the turn, however, that the bunny realized something. He was easily outpacing me.

Now, I need to interrupt my story for a moment to set the record straight. First, the stupid little bunny had a rather large head start on me. Second, I’m good for quick sprints. Ten to twenty feet and I’m a rock star. This particular chase turned out to be more than twenty feet and I had already run up and down the stairs from the house to the backyard numerous times that day. Third, turning on a dime is not really my forte—Newton's First Law and all.

Anyway, so rather than just run away, the stupid little bunny decided to taunt me. He purposely started running in large looping zigs and zags--zigs and zags meant to give me the opportunity to catch up.

Eventually, the stupid little bunny escaped out the front gate and I spent a fair amount of time barking at him through the fence and between running-induced gasps. He was out of my yard, but the damage was done. How offensive he was! How utterly offensive!

So, if there were any readers out there who have, throughout the years, secretly felt sorry for all those stupid little bunnies, squirrels, lizards, robins, and cats I’ve chased out of my yard, I hope you finally realize how mean they can be. They deserve to be chased out of my yard, especially if they decide to mock me on my own turf.

Monday, February 18, 2019

An Epic Steal

So many of my posts lately have started the same way:  Stumpy the Squirrel is out of control.  Well, this is going to be another one of those posts. 

Stumpy the Squirrel is out of control. 

A couple of months ago I told you that Stumpy had taken to using my windowsill as a breadbox.  Well, if I thought the idea of him encroaching on my turf and leaving slices of Italian bread just out of my reach was bad, I had no idea how bad it could actually get.  You see, it seems he's decided to move on to dessert breads and has now taken to stashing churros on my windowsill.



Like I said, Stumpy the Squirrel is out of control.

But, like previous posts interrupted by that stupid little bunny-like squirrel freak, it is not my intention to write solely about Stumpy today.  No, instead I want to tell you about the time I had to make a major decision.

It was a weekday morning last week and I was following Pa around the house as he got ready for work.  I took my station beside him as he made his breakfast (and happily munched the crunchy cereal and frozen blueberry he gave me).  After a quick snooze as he read the newspaper, I joined Pa again as he made lunch for both him and Ma (and happily munched the turkey cold cuts and pretzels he gave me).  Then, after another quick snooze, I joined Pa in the bedroom as he sat down to put on his socks and shoes.

Now by this time, I had gotten enough naps under my belt that I was beginning to feel the need to cause trouble.  In other words, I had some puppy energy in me and I needed a way to exert it. 

I surveyed the room Pa and I were in and determined that I had a choice. I could a) steal Pa's socks, b) steal his shoe, or c) jump up on the bed and take another nap.  Now, choice c was probably the easiest and most satisfying of my options, but I had already taken a couple of naps and I knew that I could continue napping after everyone went to work.  That left thievery.  So, which to choose?  The socks or the shoes?  The shoes or the socks?  Ultimately, Pa made the decision for me by placing the shoes on the floor so that he could put his socks on.  Let the thievery begin!

But there was one more problem I had to sort through.  Which shoe should I take?  I knew I had to be quick and therefore didn’t have the luxury of carefully choosing the stinkiest of the two.  Suddenly, I had a spectacular idea.  Why not steal both?

Now normally I don’t really have the option of stealing two shoes at once; there just isn't time to work out the logistics of such an epic steal (rearranging the shoes and corralling shoelaces).  Better to easily steal one shoe than lose both due to greed and slowness.  But on this particular day, the two shoes were in the perfect position:  right next to each other and ankle opening side up.  Swiftly and silently, I swept in for the steal.  I grabbed both shoes by the ankle collar and just as quickly beat feet from the room.

I brought my ill-gotten gains into the living room.  I knew that the clock was ticking; I knew that Pa was going to notice that his shoes were missing and despite the fact that both Ma and Sister were in the house, he’d assume that I was the thief (so unfair).  Considering all alternatives and options, I decided that the best thing for me to do was to chew on one of the shoes and hide the other so that when Pa inevitably took away the first, I’d still have the second.  But where to hide the second shoe?
Suddenly, it dawned on me and I went to work on my master plan.  Once the second shoe was hidden, I started happily gnawing on the first.

As expected, Pa made an appearance in the living room a few seconds into my chewing spree and as expected, he took the now slobbery shoe away from me.  Then he looked at me dead in the eye and asked “where’s the other one?”

I gave Pa my most innocent of looks.  “What, me?  Are you suggesting that I stole your other shoe?” my big brown eyes asked.  

Well, either Pa didn't believe my big brown eyes or he noticed that I was rather uncomfortably laying on the other shoe.  Regardless of what tipped him off, he knelt down and pulled the shoe out from under me with a "gimme that."

So that's how I managed to steal two shoes at once.  Obviously, I'm going to have to find a better hiding place next time.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Merry Christmas 2018

Wishing all my friends, family, and fans a very Merry Christmas!


★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • •。★Christmas★ 。* 。 ° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚ ˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •˛• l | ç”°ç”° |é–€| ˚

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★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • •。★Christmas★ 。* 。 ° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚ ˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •˛• l | ç”°ç”° |é–€| ˚

Read more: How to make cute christmas pictures using keyboard symbols christmas tree - How to make a christmas picture using keyboard symbols :: Ask Me Fast at https://www.askmefast.com/How_to_make_cute_christmas_pictures_using_keyboard_symbols__christmas_tree-qna686603.html
★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • •。★Christmas★ 。* 。 ° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚ ˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •˛• l | ç”°ç”° |é–€| ˚

Read more: How to make cute christmas pictures using keyboard symbols christmas tree - How to make a christmas picture using keyboard symbols :: Ask Me Fast at https://www.askmefast.com/How_to_make_cute_christmas_pictures_using_keyboard_symbols__christmas_tree-qna686603.html
★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • •。★Christmas★ 。* 。 ° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚ ˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •˛• l | ç”°ç”° |é–€| ˚And a happy new year 2011

Read more: How to make cute christmas pictures using keyboard symbols christmas tree - How to make a christmas picture using keyboard symbols :: Ask Me Fast at https://www.askmefast.com/How_to_make_cute_christmas_pictures_using_keyboard_symbols__christmas_tree-qna686603.html
★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • •。★Christmas★ 。* 。 ° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚ ˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •˛• l | ç”°ç”° |é–€| ˚And a happy new year 2011

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★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • •。★Christmas★ 。* 。 ° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚ ˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •˛• l | ç”°ç”° |é–€| ˚And a happy new year 2011

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Sunday, December 23, 2018

Santa's List

Some households have elves that sit on shelves and report back to the big man (Santa) about everyone's behavior.  Well, I don’t have an elf watching me.  No, my family doesn’t need one (not to mention, I probably would have accidentally carried him off thinking he was a squeaker toy).  You see, my family has a direct line to Santa and they are more than happy to report back to him about where I should fall on his naughty and nice list.

Because there is so much at stake during the month of December, I’m usually very careful to remain on my best behavior.  True, I’m generally an angel, but one can’t be too careful when Santa’s involved.  This year was no different.  I was pleasant, helpful, and didn’t bark nearly as much as I could have.  I was a good boy...that is, until last night.

Maybe I went temporarily insane.  Maybe I ate some bad kibble and it messed with my head.  Maybe I was possessed by some evil spirit who decided to turn me into a monster.  I honestly don’t know.  What I do know is this:  I was not myself.

Shortly after everyone went to bed last night, I climbed the stairs to Sister's room with the intention of curling up on my pillow and falling asleep.  When I got there, I found her siting on the floor wrapping Christmas presents.  Immediately, my eyes went wide, my tail started wagging, and in short order, I...
  • ...stole some wrapping paper and shredded it.
  • ...stole a pen and chewed on it.
  • ...found and ran off with a sock.
  • ...stole some more wrapping paper and shredded it.
  • ...forced my snout into a closed box of unwrapped Christmas gifts (and tried to snatch the contents).
  • ...perused a box of wrapped gifts, grabbed one, and unwrapped it (sorry B, it was your gift...it’s fine and Sister will re-wrap it).
  • ...licked the rest of the wrapped gifts.
  • ...licked the roll of wrapping paper.
  • ...grabbed Sister's hair towel (which happened to still be on her head).
  • ...tried to dig a hole through a bag of gift labels.
  • ...snatched the scissor.
  • ...stole even more wrapping paper and shredded it.
It was at this point that I heard Pa’s voice echoing from the first floor.  “What’s going on up there?” he asked.

The fun was over.  I mean, I knew Sister was going to give me hell later for all the trouble I was giving her (her response to Pa’s question was to scream, “your son’s being a pain in the ass”), but once Pa is involved...well, let's just say that if Santa’s the first person you don’t mess with, Pa is a close second.

Down the stairs I ran, hoping to head off Pa before Sister expanded on her statement.  Not knowing exactly what was going on (but figuring I was up to no good), Pa hooked my leash to my collar and took me outside.  After doing business, I settled down on my pillow and prayed that Sister would simply assume that the events of that evening were simply a series of bad dreams.

She didn’t and she told the story of my misbehavior the following morning.

So now I’m a little afraid that my rambunctiousness might have cost me my good standing with Santa.  It's going to be an anxious couple of days.  Hopefully I can redeem myself in time.