Napkin Please

Proper etiquette dictates that, after taking part in a meal, it is polite to dab one’s mouth with a napkin to remove any remaining food particles.  It goes without saying then that I, a proper and refined dog, would partake of such a custom and wipe my mouth after eating my breakfast and dinner.  As expected, however, I do this in my own unique way.  After all, if the napkin manufacturers didn’t make a product that was so much fun to shred and eat, perhaps I wouldn’t have to improvise.

It all started when I was a little puppy (which just goes to show that despite what my family says, I was born with impeccable breeding and superb manners).  Almost immediately upon being adopted by my two legged family, I established a mouth wiping routine (and in those happy puppy days I got three meals rather than two a day so I had an awful lot of practice).  Ever since then, I've been perfecting my form and I can honestly say that I am now an experienced professional and happy to share my technique with the world.

How to Wipe One's Snout After Eating

1. Finish eating and lick the bowl clean (never, and I mean never, leave food behind--I learned that when I was living with my four legged siblings--boy those pups could eat!).
2. While entire back half wags with joy, scuttle into the living room and head straight to the couch.
3. Starting at one end, drag side of head alongside the entire length of couch.  Make sure to vocalize while doing so (this includes barking, yipping, howling, yodeling, and any other form of noise making--the louder the better).
4. When end of couch is reached, drag head along ground making sure to howl as loudly as possible.
5. Turn and repeat steps 4 and 5 until chin is sufficiently wiped.
6. Wag tail twice and take a nap.

And there you have it, the secret to my success.  Feel free to copy and build upon it; perhaps you can add some digging or actually climb up onto the couch and drag your face on the cushions' tops rather than on its sides. 

Anyway, this technique was splendid until the house out east came along.  Suddenly I was told that I wasn't allowed to rub my chin on the new white couch that Ma and Pa bought (they should have known better than to buy a white sofa).  Ever resourceful, I tried dragging my head along the living room rug, but it is not very soft and my nails get snagged in its fibers (don't want my left dew claw to go the way of my right dew claw).  That left only one other alternative.

How to Wipe One's Snout After Eating 

(when the couch and rug are off limits)

1. Locate nearest human.
2. Drag snout across pant leg.
3. Repeat as necessary (or for as long as human will allow).

Yeah, it's not quite as elegant...or fun...or loud, but I guess it's just the cost of being such a refined well bred dog.